Self-care, self-care, self-care. We’ve seen this word everywhere, heard of it in so many places. But do we really understand what it is and why we need it?
I think most of the time, women are the most vulnerable to self-care shame or guilt. Especially moms — we always tend to forget about our own needs and prioritize our family’s needs over ours. It’s not to say that men can easily indulge in some self-care, but I think there’s a difference when we talk about a man going out with his friends or office mates versus a woman who goes out with her girlfriends. Women are expected to be the ones always available at home. So when the man goes out for some “self-care,” we automatically think that he deserves it because he’s been working so hard for the family.
But that mindset has changed already. Although I believe women are still not fully ready to commit to self-care without feeling any guilt or shame. And we won’t be fully ready if we’re not going to start making it normal. We have to start somewhere. As long as we are clear about our boundaries, then it should not bring us any trouble.
What do you say to those who shame your self-care? Just say, “F*ck off, this is my life.”
If you don’t have a self-care routine in place yet and you’re planning to create one that’s suited to your lifestyle, here are some questions you can ask yourself before you decide that’s the routine you want to have.
Is it going to take a lot of your time?
As moms, we know how much we are needed at home. Even for working moms, you know you’ve set some limitations on how long you can be away. It really depends on you. If you have little babies, of course you can’t be away for a week or a month. But even so — some moms can do that for work, so why can’t a mom do it for self-care?
I know just the thought of being away from home scares you already, and I know you’re starting to feel guilty just thinking about it. Well, that’s the very thing we are trying to change here. I am not telling you to go out and party for a week or a month. But at least take a day off.
When my kids were younger, the longest I could be away from them was overnight. But eventually, as they grew older, I was able to make important travels that sometimes took three days. The longest I’ve ever been away from my children is five days — but I made sure I called them every chance I got, and that a trusted family member was watching over them.
So how long are you willing to spend on your own, for your “me-time”? You decide.
Can I afford to spend for it?
For self-care, since we’re doing it, we can really indulge. But the problem is, we don’t want you to be in debt just to have something for your self-care. Set a budget for it. You know how much you’re earning, so know how much you can set aside for a little pampering. Never go beyond your budget. This is the reason why so many of us women are hesitant to spend on ourselves.
Discipline is still key, because without it, you might end up with a lot of guilt for spending too much. How much are you willing to set aside so you won’t feel guilty about it? You can schedule your me-time activities rather than doing them all at once. Say you want to go to the salon to have your hair done — if your budget still allows it, you can add a mani-pedi. If not, you can have the foot spa next time. There’s always a next time.
I know these are superficial self-care practices, but if they really make you feel good, then do it. There are also self-care practices that won’t require you to spend a single dime. Here are some other ways to practice self-care without spending money.
Free self-care that costs nothing but permission:
- Sit still with God. Ten quiet minutes. No agenda, no asking for anything, just being still and letting yourself be held. This is where a lot of my own healing started.
- Write it down. Get a notebook and pour it all out — the anger, the worry, the gratitude. I processed some of my hardest seasons this way. Paper doesn’t interrupt, and it never judges.
- Go outside. A walk. Sunlight on your face. Fresh air in your lungs. It’s free, and your body knows the difference.
- Take the nap. Without apologizing for it. Rest is not laziness. Even God rested on the seventh day, who are we to think we don’t need to?
- Put the phone down. A little digital detox. Silence the notifications for an hour and let the world spin without you for a bit. You won’t miss anything that matters.
- Say no to one thing. One. A “no” is a complete sentence, and sometimes it’s the most caring thing you can do for yourself all week.
- Dance in your kitchen. Play the song that makes you feel seventeen again and move. Nobody’s watching. And if they are — well, refer back to that line above.
- Breathe. When it all gets loud, I whisper my four little words — I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you — and let my shoulders come down from my ears. Free. Portable. Always available.
Here’s what I really want you to hear
Real self-care isn’t always pretty or “Instagrammable”. Sometimes it’s the salon and the mani-pedi. But sometimes it’s crying in the shower and then washing your face and showing up anyway. Sometimes it’s a boundary you finally drew. Sometimes it’s asking for help. Sometimes it’s rest you didn’t think you were allowed to take.
Because that’s the real root of the shame, isn’t it? Somewhere along the way, we started believing that taking care of ourselves means taking away from everyone else. That a good mother, a good wife, a good woman empties herself completely and calls it love.
But you cannot pour from an empty cup. I learned that the hard way. When I ignored my own needs long enough, my body and my mind eventually forced me to stop and that is a much harder way to learn the lesson than simply taking the day off would have been.
Taking care of yourself is not selfish. It is not a betrayal of the people who love you. It is how you make sure there’s still a you left to love them with. The version of you that is rested, filled up, and cared for is the better mother, the better friend, the better woman — not the martyr running on empty.
So no more asking permission. Consider it granted, right here.
Take the day. Set the budget. Draw the boundary. Take the nap. Whisper the prayer. Do the thing that fills you back up, and do it without the guilt tax you’ve been paying your whole life.
And if anyone tries to shame you for it? You already know exactly what to say.
Keeping the faith,
Mei