photo:colourbox.com
I am having one of those anxiety attacks today. My heart is beating fast, my pulse racing and my mind can’t seem to stop thinking about so many things. Even as I am typing now, I am having this feeling of agitation.
Too much caffeine? I don’t think so. I want a puff right now just to ease my anxiety. It started yesterday when I woke up. And I still wasn’t able to shake it off me until now.
Working has helped me in so many ways to conquer my depression but sometimes, I still feel the blues. I don’t know, maybe I need my
medication again. Flouxetine and Lorazepam. I am lucky to have my co-worker/boss listen to me, just like a therapist but somehow, I try to limit my blabbing because she might get tired of listening. I wish I could talk to my doctor right now but I can’t afford it. That’s just isn’t in my list of priorities. But sometimes I thought that I ought to save up for it to save my sanity.
I don’t understand my moods. Two days ago , I was very positive about life and now, I’m thinking about so many negative things. This morning I was so high on happiness talking with everybody here, but now that I am alone, I suddenly feel so lonely and down .I don’t want to go back to my depression days when I was on medication. As a side effect, I was paranoid most of the time, and I was having auditory hallucinations. I thought I heard people talking or babies crying but it was all in my mind. I thought that I was over with that stage, even though I wasn’t able to finish the 6-month medication because I got pregnant. I thought that if I changed the way I looked at life like what my husband said, I would be able to overcome all these things that are happening to me. But it didn’t , because depression is an illness, not a state of mind.
Some people say that they understand depression or us, who has depression disorder, but , I think that no one will really understand it to the truest meaning of the word, if they haven’t been there. Why am I even mentioning this and seems to be open about my depression? I am not ashamed to admit that I suffer from that. And I have seen and experienced the consequences
of an untreated depression. I want the world to be aware that this is a disease that kills especially the spirit , destroys relationships and changes your whole being.
Thank God for modern medicine. But relying on the medicine isn’t enough. The will to be well also counts.
I want to be well, that’s why I am striving to. But the road to happiness and wellness seems long and winding and along the way are numerous obstacles. But I see the bright new day looming on the horizon, I just don’t know how to get there… yet .
Below are the list of things that I sometimes do to conquer my anxiety or depression:
- Cutting.
No, not cutting your own skin (I did that before too! ) , but cutting
paper or anything. I find it so therapeutic and calming. Even if your mind
wander while you cut, it still has it’s calming and relaxing effect. - Coloring or sketching. Just doodle away.
- Make paper beads out of brochures or colored hand-outs .(that’s where your
flyers went!) - Make a journal. Blog or write anything or whatever is on your mind and heart. This
is what my therapist recommended for me to do when I have no one else to
talk to. - Pray. Need I say more?
For more information on depression and anxiety. I recommend this
sites http://www.allaboutevenetwork.org , http://www.depression.org